Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
