watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Randomize
