U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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