Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
