i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
You're like the curious george of whores
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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