the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
