i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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