I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You were trust falling into bushes
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize