i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
