are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
