pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
