I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
