I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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