That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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