So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Randomize
