we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
