Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
