I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
then he tried to convert me to islam
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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