someone threw a dead crab at me
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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