peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
