I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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