Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
