Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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