I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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