its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
