Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
