i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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