Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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