I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
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