I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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