You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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