Sponge bath it is.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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