After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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