cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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