Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
PANTIES FOUND
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