Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Randomize
