woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
