ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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