Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
