She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
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