Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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