Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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