Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
