Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
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