so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
