Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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