woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
