I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
