Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
