Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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