Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
