she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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