I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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