I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
