Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
