I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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