you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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