I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Dicks are not precious.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
