did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Randomize
