he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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