Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
