do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Is Oprah even human
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
All I want is dick and wine.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
