I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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