dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
