I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize