If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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